New Day

The new year signifies new beginnings for everyone. A fresh start, a chance to start over and do things right. But why do we need to wait a whole year to do that? Everyday is a fresh start if you begin each day with a fresh perspective. I am the first to admit that there are days when I wake up and I already have an attitude about the day and it hasn't even started yet. I need to stop that, we all do. We need to treat each day as if it is the first day of the year, a fresh start a chance to start over. My goal for this year is to try and do that every day. I know it won't be easy but its healthy, and I need a healthy mind to have a positive year. Tomorrow will be a new start for me, not because its a new year but because its a new day. I won't allow the stresses of life to batter me and turn me into a miserable person. I want to have a positive attitude and once I have that everything will fall into place. This past week has showed me that I can be alone and be ok. It has showed me that I don't always need to talk to someone at night, its ok to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. It may be scary but I will feel better in the morning if I deal with those feelings and don't bring them into the next day with me. I want to be so positive everyday that no one in my presence can feel sad or lonely. All I want is to be happy.

The Sky

The sky looks so beautiful from down here. So quiet and blue. Snowflakes kiss my nose as the life slips from my body. I feel cold and alone. The sun is shining, its a beautiful day to be alive or to die. There really is no difference. I see flashes of everything I've done and everything I've yet to do. I see the people I've loved and the people I've yet to love. They dance around in my mind to a melody of their own creation. I'm so cold. My future looks warm and inviting at first, but soon it becomes too warm, blazing. I don't think I can overcome the flames. So now I have a choice; stay present and cold or step into the flames of the future and see if I can endure them without becoming engulfed.

The Silence

I can handle most days. The noise blocks out my thoughts. Its the nights I can't handle, there's no noise. All that's left is silence and in that silence my thoughts are free to roam and wander. And in their wandering I find them entering spaces in my brain where they don't belong. I see a flash of your smile and I can feel my stomach twist. I feel you grab my waist and my skin crawls. I don't want to see those images but its so quiet, I have no choice. I close my eyes as hard as I can but that doesn't help. I hear your laugh and my ears start to bleed. I hate you so fucking much, and yet when I close my eyes, there you are. Go away!!! Its too quiet! I can't think straight! Please just leave my thoughts. This is exactly what you wanted and I hate myself for giving it to you.

Comfort

The more comfortable you become with someone the easier it is to lose a part of yourself in them. Its not that you don't want to get lost in this person, but you don't even realize that pieces of yourself are slowly dissolving. You become one person, not knowing where one of you ends and the other begins. Perfectly imperfect, your minds become one. Now you know how to play each others game, because you're playing against yourself. That level of comfort isn't something that happens overnight. It takes time; and arguments, and late night conversations, and emotional break downs, and tears, and once all of those occur the walls fall. Once those walls fall its all over. You are now connected for life, you're always in each others heads, comfortably living until the end draws near.

My Tears

Sometimes when I cry I don't think I'll ever stop. As the tears stream down my face I can taste the pain. Its salty and sour, I want to rid my mouth of the taste. So I bite my lip, as it starts to bleed I cry even more, not because of the physical pain. Every pain is caused by another memory. As another memory appears in my mind my breath is taken from me. My lungs have been punctured. Another memory, my ear is pounded with a force that almost knocks me off my feet. As I stagger, breathless, bleeding, crying, and holding my ear I wonder; is all this even worth it?

I Loved You

I love how happy you look while you're breaking my heart. How wide you smile when you're crushing my soul. I love how cold I feel when I see you holding her. I love how alone I feel when I hear how happy you feel when you're with her. I love seeing pictures of the two of you, when you never took one with me. I love how everyone knows about her and no one knew about me. I love how in love you look when you're with her. I love how three years meant nothing to you, and meant everything to me. I love how I changed everything about myself and it still wasn't enough for you. I love how much I gave you and how little I received in return. I love how you made me cry, over and over again. I love how horrible you made me feel about myself. I love how I didn't realize your game until it was too late. I love how you made me feel guilty for wanting more from you. I love how you always managed to make me feel unloved. I love how you broke all the promises you made to me. I love how many chances I gave you to show me you loved me, and I especially love how you wasted every single one. I love how everyone told me to leave you and I told them all to go to hell, because it was supposed to be me and you until the end. I love how you pretended to love me. I love how convincing you were. I love how you let me plan out my life with you, only to mock me later on. I love how you made me feel weak and pathetic. I love how you pretended to rescue me, only to leave me alone and unprotected. I love how I never mattered to you, even though you were the only thing that mattered to me. I love how you emptied me of all my hopes and dreams and filled me with lies and broken promises. I love how you wanted me all for yourself, so I could be cut off from people who actually cared about me. I love how when I couldn't give you the one thing you wanted you moved on, faster than it took you to cum. I love how you lasted for one fucking Aerosmith song. And I love how you asked me of it was good afterwards. And I love how after that you passed me my clothes as if I were some whore you were trying to get rid of. I love how you pretended to care when I said I couldn't do this anymore, and I love how you pretended to beg me to stay and try one more time. I love how I finally put my foot down and said no. I love how I stopped checking my phone waiting for you to message me. I love how depressed I was, but still didn't message you. I love how some days I didn't even think about you. I loved when I told my mom we were over, and when I told my friends, because that made it real. I love how I started to feel a little more free every day. I love how I started to love myself again, and start letting other people love me again. I love how I'm able to stop blaming myself for your mistakes. I love how much I fucking hate you, because that means I'm finally over you.

Slipping

He felt her slipping and he didn't know what to do. Should he tighten his grip, and risk chasing her away? Or should he let her fall so she can see how much she needs him? He's so confused, either option could result in him losing her forever. He needs her just as much as she needs him. Time is running out, he has to make a decision. Finally he grabs her with both hands and brings her to him. "Thank you", she says, "finally someone proved me wrong".

Be Merry You Assholes

The smiles were all there. Each one put on before they entered stage left. Behind every smile was a blank stare. Everyone has someplace else they would rather be, someone else they would rather be with. Sly insults are traded between us as we laugh them off. As each one exits the talk begins, the hushed tones signal that its your turn. When you re-enter the room the laughter commences, signaling your turn will continue later on. Eat, drink, and be merry you assholes! I love you all and hate you all at the same time. My family, ladies and gentlemen, putting on yet another wonderful performance. As the curtain falls we all exit stage right and go on with our lives until we are called to the stage once more.

Please Don't Leave

When I hear your voice my heart feels lighter. Your smile makes my stomach jump. And your touch sends a chill down my spine. I love the way I feel when I'm with you. I feel weightless. Your presence makes everything in my life feel ok. Like you are the answer to everything wrong with me. Your laugh makes me smile bigger than I ever have in my life. When I'm not with you I feel like a part of me is missing, not in a corny way, in a very real sense. Like I'm living with one lung, barely breathing but somehow managing to live on. You've become such an intrical part of my being that I'm terrified what will happen when you leave me. So please don't leave me...

White Knight

From the day that I met you I knew you were something special. You took me out of my comfort zone and let me into your world. As twisted as it was I understood you immediately, the same way you understood me. From then on my only mission was to keep you in my life. This was more than difficult because I knew that I wasn't good for you, so I tried to get you to leave me. I wasn't good for you or your idea of happiness. Little did I know that neither of us could be without each other, we tried and tried many times, and it broke both of us, me more than you. As the years passed you were still there, and I honestly couldn't understand why. I had done everything in my power to show you that I wasn't good enough for you, but none of that mattered to you. You stayed and you told me that you would always stay, that you weren't going anywhere. And for the first time in my life I actually truly believed what someone had told me. I only hope that I'm not falling for another deception...

With Her

I love how you text me while you're laying next to her. You wait until she's asleep and then you carefully grab your phone doing your best not to wake her. Then you pour your heart and soul out to me. Text after text you reveal your true self, all the hurt and pain. You do it very carefully, probably not moving much and doing your best to hide your phone. When you're done making yourself feel better you hide me away again, until tomorrow night when you need me again.

Pressure

The pressure builds and the vice like grip tightens. There is no escaping its reach. I wake up and its not there but as soon as I blink it returns, the pressure. It swallows my thoughts as they travel down its throat only to be lost forever. That fucking pressure it leans on my neck as I try to move, and I feel it trying to blacken my mind. The pressure. If its not coming from within its coming from those around me. Do this, be this, feel this. All they want is for me to be "happy", then they pile their pressure on me as well. All those little vultures picking on my brain because its half dead, black with pressure. Barely any life left, just mounting pressure. Implosion is my only option left. The only way to save myself and release the pressure.

I wanted...

What I wanted us to become and what we became are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I wanted us to be bright, shining, glimmering. Extending a light so bright that anyone in our presence would instantly feel warmth. Instead we became dark, veiled, somber. Extending a shadow so black that it swallowed our happiness as well as the happiness of those around us. Instead of feeling comforted I always felt alone, even your presence wasn't enough to soothe my soul. Your touch wasn't enough to heal my wounds. Your words seemed to fall on deaf ears. There was nothing left for me to hold onto, empty promises became my new normal and second, third, and fourth chances came and went. There was nothing left and still I forced you into believing that you wanted me. That did no good, so here we are. You're good and I'm not, here we are again at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Monsters With Angel Faces

As sweet as they look some of them have a darkness inside of them that provokes fear. All believe they are innocent with souls made of the purest snow, but some of us know differently. Monsters with angel faces.

Nirvana

I can feel the bile rise in my throat as I try to look at their faces. There are so many of them that it makes me I'll. I try to push it down but it rises and rises until I can no longer contain it. As it spews it they stand there in a state of shock, but its not bile its instead vile words that rock them to their core. Before I know it my body is shaking and it all comes out, every word, phrase, or insult that has crossed my mind in the past four months. All of it. I can't take it back, and I don't want to. The release feels amazing, bordering on orgasmic. My body becomes numb and my mind is finally at peace. I am at peace. I walk towards the door to make my final exit, I don't regret a single moment because it has all lead to my nirvana. My everlasting peace.

She Destroys All

"Why can't you just be happy?" Ah, naïve words spoken from ignorant mouths. Of course I want to be happy. I try each and every day to find some type of happiness in my pathetic life. But there's something wrong with me, a chemical imbalance in my brain that triggers this constant state of sadness and despair. Every "happy" moment or memory is overshadowed by double or triple the amount of sad ones. So no, I can't just be happy. There is a girl in my head who takes happy moments and memories and has her way with them. She blackens the sun and the sky. She clouds my vision so everyone and everything looks twisted and deformed. She takes great pleasure in doing these things, and I don't blame her. She's just doing what my brain created her to do. So we work together to slowly destroy what little happiness I have left.

Dulled Senses

The pain never fully goes away. There are times when it dulled, when my other senses take over; pushing the pain down a little deeper. But its always there no matter where I go o what I do I can't escape it. Do I even want to? Without the pain I would feel nothing, the pain is all I know, the only sensation that triggers any life in me. So I'm forced to choose between a life with no feeling at all or a life full of pain and despair. The choice is mine and only mine, but I don't know which agony to choose. Is one really better than the other? Will either make me happy? Or just less sad?

Happiness

Happiness is hearing your favorite peoplr laugh until their stomachs hurt.
Happiness is staying up late watching your favorite movie.
Happiness is gazing at the stars while pouring your heart out to someone who is more interested in you than the stars.
Happiness is a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter morning.
Happiness is the butterflies in your stomach when the person you love proves it to you.
Happiness is being surrounded by people who love and care for you.
Happiness is a warm hug.
Happiness is feeling safe.
Happiness is being content with who you are... I have yet to experience true happiness.

It's Not Polite

How can people expect me to be open with my feelings when all my life I've been told to shut them away. "Its not polite to burden others with your problems". How is what I'm feeling a problem? From the earliest time in my life when people asked me how I was doing I replied with "Oh, I'm fine, how are you?" I've never been fine, I've always battled one demon or another, but I can't tell anyone because remember, "Its not polite to burden others with your problems". My feelings have always been viewed as a problem because they don't fit into the grand scheme of everyone else's life. So if I'm not open with you it's a problem and if I'm too open with you its a problem. I guess I'll just continue to be nothing, that seems to please everyone. Because if I'm nothing I'm neither a blessing or a curse to their perfect lives. So... Nothing it is.

Colors

As I lay here I keep thinking and thinking about the colors. The black of my life; the unknown, the vast emptiness of my personality that even I don't understand. The white; the purity, the hope I have for the future, my future. The blue; the sadness, the longing I feel for my former self and my old way of life. The red; the anger I possess towards myself and the people who have hurt me. The yellow; the brightness that certain people bring to my life. The green; the sweetness of nature that I hold so close to my heart. All of these colors make up my dreams, but my reality is all but one color; gray. Caught between the emptiness and the hopefulness that is my life. The colors have vanished and all that is left is gray. I can no longer feel any other color and therefore no emotions. Nothing. I am just a shell of gray floating through this life, hoping to one day find the colors lacking in my heart.

My Greatest Enemy

Some days I wake up, and I can't figure out why? Why am I being forced to confront another day full of sadness and depression? Why must I face another day of isolation? Why do I have to experience more heartbreak? Why am I being forced to put on a brave face? As soon as I awaken I cannot wait to return to a slumber that allows me to forget all my troubles. A slumber that provides me with happiness, even if it is a false sense of happiness. This slumber doesn't last though, every morning I am pulled from it and thrown back into the harsh reality that is my life. Every morning I put the mask back on and prepare for battle once again. Some days I feel like I can defeat the army and breathe again. Other days I lose and suffer a loss so great that I don't think I will ever recover physically, mentally, or emotionally. I'm fighting alone, as my army has abandoned me. One by one all of my once loyal soldiers have gone AWOL. I fight alone, I win alone and I lose alone. I am my everything; my country, my quern, and my military. If I am defeated it will be the end. I will not recover, all will be lost. I have no allies, only enemies. And my greatest enemy is closer than I choose to believe. She follows me where ever I roam. When I attack she counter attacks so fiercely that just the thought of trying to fight her makes me break down. She's in my head, she knows what I'm thinking, what my next move will be. I can't stop her; she's too strong, too smart, too cunning, too clever, too hateful, too conniving, too deceitful, too evil. I can't win! She will defeat me, and there is nothing I can do to stop her.

Why

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Letting people use me. They use me for sex, or as a back up plan, or as someone they can hang out with when no one else is around. Why do I keep letting myself get used over and over again? I never learn. They don't want me, they just want to take what they can from me and leave. Then they go back to their lives and I'm let alone, broken, and spiraling out of control. But no one sees that, because they don't care. All they care about is taking what they can get from me, as long as they're happy they don't care. As long as I'm there the next time they need me, its good. Maybe I won't be there the next time. Maybe I'll find someone who wants Mr for me, not what they can get from me. But who am I kidding? If you call me, I'll be there. Broken pieces and all, but I'll collect enough of them to make myself while enough to make it to you. So don't worry, not that you ever do. 

No. Its such a simple word, but one of the most difficult words to say. So instead of saying no, you say yes. Yes, its ok for you to hurt me again. Yes, its alright for you to ignore me until its convenient for you. Yes, I want you to make me feel insignificant. Two letters, one word can change your life and how you allow the people in your life to treat you. No, its not ok for you to hurt me again. No, its not alright for you to ignore me until its convenient for you. No, I will no longer allow you to treat me as you please any longer. And if that doesn't sit well with you then yes, you can remove yourself from my life.

Wasteland

This world is a wasteland, and we the waste. We waste our money on things we don't need. We waste our time on things that don't deserve it. And we waste our love on people who aren't worthy of it. All too often we give our love to people who flatter us, or promise us the world with no intention of fulfilling that promise. We give out love to people who say they love us and would choose us over others, but don't. We give our love to people who make us feel safe, but do not excite our souls. We give our love to people who read us the perfect script, the same script they read all the others. We give our love to people who aren't worthy, and we do it far too often. Why do we do it? We do it because we long for a connection. We do it because we hope that this time will be different. We do it because we believe we can change them. We do it because we want to be loved. All we want is to find love in this wasteland.

As I look at the water all I can picture is drowning. Gasping for air, moving my body in any way I can, just to stay afloat. As I look up past the shining sun, I see a group of people just standing at the edge of the water. No one moves. I call out to someone, anyone but get no response. It's as if I'm invisible and no one can see me fighting for my life. Water over takes me and all I taste is salt, I rid my mouth of the water to call for help again. Again the people just observe my inevitable death. I don't feel like fighting anymore, its too hard and no one is helping me. I'm going to lose. My lungs are burning as the salt eats away at them. My head is pounding as each wave pushes it down deeper and deeper. I'm crying but it doesn't show, my eyes have all but been blinded by the ordeal. Finally I give in, I stop moving and as I do, nothing hurts anymore. I feel weightless, the fight is over. I lost, but it doesn't feel like I've lost. I feel free, for the first time in my life, I feel free.